"It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life."
I wrote six letters last night to six different people. I don’t know when or where or when, but I do know that fuse is running very, very low, and soon all the emotions and thoughts I’ve been bottling up will become the death of me.
But I just want you to know that I am so, so, so terribly sorry.
And though it adds quite a bit of stress, I’ve finally decided to sever all the destructive relationships in my life. I shouldn’t have to feen for the attention of those who simply don’t want me around to begin with, nor is it worth the pain and anger that comes with that territory. I plan on cutting my ties with those who wouldn’t reach out to me, with those whose relationships feel like one way streets, those who willingly decided against me in my time of need. I have to make a lot of changes to the list of people I call my “friends,” but I’d rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.
As a disclaimer, I don’t plan on completely cutting anyone off from my life, ever. If any of these people, or anyone in general really, needed my help for whatever reason or came to me for whatever reason, I’ll accept with open arms. I’ll be there, I’m always there. But, I refuse to try and savage relationships with people who don’t even think of me as significant to their lives. I’ve lost many friends along the way, but similarly, I’ve grown to appreciate the few but strong relationships I do have. And at the end of the day, that should be all that matters.
I don’t want to say goodbye. It’s temporary, but it feels permanent. I guess I’m just scared for the worst.
No, terrified. I’m fucking terrified.
You go ahead, let your hair down. You’re gonna find yourself someway, somehow. 🍃🎶 (at Lanikai Pillboxes Hike)
One of the things I love doing in Hawaii, is running the paths behind our neighborhood that lead to docks that overlook Pearl Harbor. 👌
I will always be mommy’s little girl, no matter how far I stray away from home. I’m glad this queen finally gets the vacation she very much deserves. 👑💕 (at Turtle Bay Resort)
I have never truly been fond of the idea of a soulmate, nevertheless the fairy tale bullshit of true love. It was such a distant idea to me, that someone had one true perfect match and are destined to live happily ever after. Growing up, that idea became the epitome of what a lie was, of some crazy piece of crap that only gave false hope. Hatred and anger were second nature to me. I never believed for a second that marriage and love and that “fairy tale bullshit” was meant for everyone, that some people were lucky enough to experience it and even fewer people were smart enough to hold on to it. But never have I never considered it being a part of His plan for me.
You. In the most cliché way to say this, you make me believe in the possibility of finding true love. That maybe, just maybe, everyone has someone that just makes the whole world make sense again. That, in some crazy, magical way, everyone is destined to find love and happiness, and everyone has the courage to hold on to it. You make me believe in love, in being happy with someone who sees you for you, in being swept off your feet. You make me believe in God’s timing, that He will allow someone to cross paths with you at the right time, when it’s meant to be. Timing is truly a bitch, but I always believed that no matter the timing and the concurring events, two people could never make it work. But you, you make me believe in the crazy idea that somehow the stars will align and two paths will cross and everything that is supposed to happen will happen. You make me believe in possibility, in hope, in happiness.
You can’t save me from all the hatred and negativity I’ve experienced first-hand growing up, but you make me want to believe in something greater. You make me want to believe in love.
But out of everything that’s for certain, one is: that my fuse is running short and one day, it’ll happen. I don’t know how or when or where, but I can only take so much more.
I think the hardest part isn’t actually doing it or thinking about it. I think the hardest part will be having to say goodbye to the people I love the most. The more I think about it, the more my heart breaks.
But, it has to be done.
The other day, I accidentally stumbled across memories of you and of us. It wasn’t intentional, it never is, but not in the sense that I don’t want to remember. It just, stings a little to. And, the truth of the matter is, when I do remember, it becomes almost a compilation which rapidly turns into what-if’s. What starts as a small, distant memory suddenly becomes a timeline of other distant memories and soon enough, I find myself wondering how things would be like had you still been around. And yeah, that definitely stings.
I don’t mope about you anymore, not in the way I used to at least. But every now and then, I find myself thinking long and hard about you. Nothing I ever say or do will bring you back, and I realized that ages ago. Unfortunately not soon enough, but that’s a different story. Sometimes, I just wish you were around to see the person I’ve become, to see the changes that have taken place and are currently taking place; I want you to meet so many people and I want to do so many things with you. But of course, that’s all something you do by watching over me. And I know you never truly left my side. So, that’s comforting at the very least. But, it just sucks.
I miss you, kuya. It’s been almost eight years since you’ve passed, and my God has it been a journey.